Screwed - Flat Tires, Why I Hate Them. How to Prevent Them

Flat tires piss me off so much I will say foul words in front of old ladies and little children. I don’t want to do those things, but it’s not my fault. Commuting by bike is God’s sweet perfect plan for mankind. A humble man and a simple machine, moving quietly and efficiently, like a fish in the sea. Using no more energy than is required to get the job done, costing very little, keeping the rider fit and healthy. Sweet, glorious perfect harmony and balance. If the rest of the world worked this way, paying your bills would get you a tan, and the whole process would taste like chocolate. Last week my head was about to explode with sheer joy as my daily rolling-meditation was augmented by a glorious magenta-sherbert sunrise over Green Lake. Only a goddam complete blowout caused by a two-inch long, self-tapping sheet metal screw could bring me back down to earth, and that’s exactly what happened. That’s my third flat tire in two weeks. Cover your ears, grandma.

I have a lot to say about tires, and you can read much of it HERE. The short version is this. I *&%$#@* HATE flat ones. I was getting about two per week two years ago. These Seattle streets are littered with tiny glass shards. They sparkle every so beautifully in the sodium lights, but the punctures are almost enough to get me back in a car.

I looked into flat-proof and flat-resistant tires with the determination of a really, really determined guy. I purchased some solid rubber “airless” tires; that was dumb. I tried Specialized Armadillos; never got a flat for a whole year, but they feel really heavy, soggy and generally terrible. I finally landed on Continental Gatorskins. My problems were solved. I was certain that I finally had this situation under control, and even took occasion to smugly yell “get some Gatorskins” as I passed one poor sucker changing a tire on the side of the road.

What a chump I am. 3 flats this week! And yes, I’m removing the broken glass thoroughly every time. And yes I’m pumping them up enough to avoid pinch flats. I’m suddenly getting those infernal little glass-shard punctures again. More research: It turns our these things have a limited life span (who knew!), which is estimated anywhere from 1,000 - 2,500 miles, according to a lot of user reviews on various websites and the guy at Gregg’s Cycles. I did some quick math… I’m pushing 2,500 miles on this pair. Maybe more. I got a new set on the way home tonight.

So that’s one more tidbit of information in the endless struggle against evil flats. And here are a few more that I’ve found over the years, mostly the hard way:

• Get a nice big pump with a hose and a gauge, even for your frame/pack. It’s impossible to get enough air in there with those silly miniature things, and you can break your valve stem off with all that herky-jerky action.
• Do whatever it takes to find out where that glass got into your tire and dig it out or you’ll have another flat within days at most.
• If you don’t pump your ties up to their recommended pressure, you’ll get pinch-flats. Use a gauge!
• Tires start getting flats in their old age. Get a new pair after 1-2k miles.
• If you don’t like flat tires (I don’t), get Continental Gatorskins.

There’s not a whole lot of practical value to this next little tidbit, but I can’t help sharing. While standing at the parts counter at Gregg’s Cycles this evening, the shop guy was telling me how people tend to get more flats in the winter, probably because the glass and road debris sticks to the wet tire. I wasn’t quite sure if that made a lot of sense to me, but it didn’t matter for long, because some kooky, toothless guy that had been listening to our conversation quickly chimed in to tell us that it is actually because the glass and other sharp objects are wet and therefore lubricated - and didn’t we ever wonder why it was easier to slash a car tire with a greased knife? Less friction! No, freak show, I never wondered that, although it makes a lot more sense than the other explanation. I will never underestimate the kooky toothless guy again. But I will still avoid him.